lackluster-lexicon:

I have no idea what my emotions are doing right now except making me look like an asshole.

I have a bunch of FZ things to do today, and now I don’t want to do any of it because, yet again, someone felt compelled to tell me to quit doing so much. This one’s especially funny because his only interaction with FZ was when the radio staff was asked to come to a meeting and apologize for using homophobic language on-air a couple years ago.

I swear it’s not a pride thing. It really isn’t. Few people who distrust and dislike themselves as much as I do have to worry about hubris.

Asking - well, no, telling - me not to work so hard and care so much about FZ is like advising a religious devotee to stop practicing their religion or a doctor to stop treating patients. This is what I do. This is what I want to do, this is what I need to do, this is what I honestly feel I’m meant to do. I need to graduate knowing this group will survive so the people who come in never have to feel as alone or confused or frustrated or invalidated as I or many of my friends have. I never want to lose touch with this group; I won’t wash my hands of it as soon as I graduate, because if we don’t have solidarity and support, then we - the queer community - has already succumbed to the status quo. I will not stand idly by and let the group struggle if there is anything I can do to help. To abandon them is to defeat everything we’re worked for so far to get FZ and Otterbein where it is right now.

We have a theme house again. We’re working on getting it permanently assigned to us. We’re also working on proposals for gender-neutral bathrooms in every building, for gender-neutral (or, least, gender- rather than sex-assigned) housing, on raising transgender and gender-variant awareness and accessibility, on bridging gaps and developing intersections between the GLBTQ community and other communities on campus (especially the diversity orgs). It will be hard work, and there will be few veterans left to lead the charge. And I want to see this work done because Otterbein and its queer community, present and future, need these changes to happen.

It’s not just about me. Yes, I benefit from this work by virtue of being queer as well as the president; yes, I’ve received significant recognition for the work I’ve helped do so far; yes, I do take personal satisfaction in feeling that I’m making a difference. But I want to be making a difference for someone, not just for the sake of having been known as the president of an org. It’s all bigger than me.

Am I taking this too personally? Almost certainly. But this isn’t freaking math club; being queer is pretty personal. And wanting to help other GLBTQ folk is a matter of helping people like me. So every time someone tells me that I’m doing too much, what I hear is that they think I’m hungry for either power or pity.

Oh - and for the record, I don’t think it’s outside of my bounds to need to vent frustrations. I’m far from perfect - no one knows that better than I do. But just because I get frustrated doesn’t mean I regret having the position; if I did, I wouldn’t have run for presidency the second time. Again, at the end of the day, I know it isn’t just about me. My personal qualms are irrelevant next to the work I need to do to make this campus safe.

Now that at least four people have told me to back off, believe me, I am more than convinced that I’m in the wrong somehow. But I’m just stubborn enough not to compromise on this one. As two-year president of this org, I just don’t think compromise is really an option on this one.

As a graduated member of said club, I can wholly and truthfully tell you that you work too hard for FZ WITHOUT help. The amount you have accomplished on our campus is usually achieved by a dedicated team, albeit you do have some good people on your side. So instead of people criticizing you, they need to ask what they can do to help.

Four people telling you that you need to back off. Well, I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth, but so what and screw them. At least you found something that makes you happy. And I would constantly worry that FZ wouldn’t have dedicated people interested in carrying on all the work that was accomplished after you, me, Abi, Leah and Alison graduated. I don’t think I’ve heard of another school that has accomplished so much for the LGBT-QUILTBAG community. And any organization (college or nationwide) would be lucky to have such a driven person who dedicated to working for equality of all people in the QUILTBAG.

So, Bah Humbug on the haters. (even though I know who some of them are) You do you and they’ll do them.